Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Shadowing Regrets


Sometimes the hardest truth
Is the one that shadows us forever
The one defines each path we take
That seals off plans and illusions
And the one we dream to whisk away
The one we seek to overcome in hopes
In aspirations sugar coated by perhaps
And what ifs.
Sometimes we wish to gaze in the future
But can only be tormented by the past
And today becomes a simple silent murmur
A vessel that carries a piece of us away
A piece of youth and a piece of life
A piece of pain and a piece of strife
Until there’s nothing left.
Here we lay lost inside
Slaves to only one action- forward
Deemed worthy by our efforts to haul
Our own shattered hearts and shards of memories
To a new awakening- a world recreated within
Without the anguish of self inflicted regret
Hoping one day to receive genuine reason to live. 

Heartbreak's Hold

There’s a deep welling ache within me
That with each rising hour inside spins me-
Catapulting my hope to a morrow unknown
Leaving me within misery – all alone.

I blame no one but myself- of course
To follow my heart although my mind implored
To let down my guard and open the gate.
Wounded again by another ingrate.

The wind carries promises but also demise
It floats with my past and the tears I’ve cried
It reminds me of how things always change
That life, my plans will always rearrange

Twisted paths of agony now I tread, now I saunter
For ignoring all signs ahead- for desiring to flaunter
What would suit me only in angelical dreams-
But forever exceed my grasp by living means.

Oh, I clothe myself with misery
As fallen leaves clothe each grave.
I cannot deem myself worthy of tomorrow
Or of finding a day without sorrow-
For to this heartbreak I am slave.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Boy Who Sought Freedom

It was the thought that enlivened him, the idea that defined him, and the direction that gave him purpose. It was his daily bread; it was his blanket of warmth, and his rainbow after endless days of sameness.

Such was the life of Benjamin Thomas. In the long Wisconsin summers, when the sun gleamed above his head and the shadow cast against his favorite oak tree, he knew it was that time of day.

Trudging toward the house, the small frame of a boy of 12 crossed the savanna and entered the larger frame of the stoic yellow house.

“Benjamin! Good afternoon. It’s pork and sweet beans today!” said a deep, cheerful voice, that belonged to John, the cook.

Wordlessly, he sat at the wooden table and ate his meal.

“Boy, what is it that troubles you? “
“I’m not troubled, John. I just desire a future. I don’t want to be a slave boy forever. I don’t want to be someone’s pet- I want to have my own life, be like my father.”
If the cook was in any way slighted, his face showed no sign of it. He simply sighed and sat down next to the boy.
“You still think about that day, don’t you Benny?”
“Every single hour of every day, John. I have to do something to get out of here, to bring glory to my father’s name. What would he think of me if I lived my life as a slave boy?”
“Honor is in the work of the hands, boy. Honor is in integrity at every thing you do- not of possessions or servitude.” Replied the wise cook.
“Have you ever been anything but a cook?”
At this, the cook was silent. He rose from the table, turned midway, then faced Benjamin again.
“There’s cornbread I saved for you in the icebox.” And with those final words that clenched Benjamin’s heart strings, he left the kitchen.
Benjamin was left alone with his thoughts. Or perhaps in the vast company of them.
What does a cook know? Granted, he is a good man. But has he ever owned anything but a spatula and an apron?

Benjamin left the house, traveling across the open field to the barn. One by one, he checked the twenty five sheep, looking in ears, in belly buttons, in every crevice that malice could form. After tediously scrutinizing each one, he went to look for Rover, the faithful companion.
He was biting his old yellowing bone, in his usual spot, chewing in quiet tranquility.
“Rover! How are you old buddy?” Benjamin kneeled next to the aging brown dog and scratched his hanging ears. Rover closed one eye and with the other looked up lazily at Benjamin.
When Benjamin stood up, so did Rover, and off they ran to the oak tree.
Here, Benjamin sat, back to the tree, Rover on his lap.
The feeling of peace lasted only seconds as his memories flushed upon him at his closing his eyes. He smelled the sickening smoke. He felt the ashes fall upon his clothes. He could hear himself yelling out to the smoldering frame. Begging, beseeching the return of his parents. But the flames leapt even higher, and finally John had pulled him away.
The rest was history. After weeks of meager meals and scavenging for food, a family of wealthy Spaniards had collected them as part of their servitude. Benjamin lost all of his past life but the old knife that belonged to his father and John, the faithful cook.

Droplets of anguish and hopelessness had run down his face that burning day, and his eyes were closed, yet he could feel his cheeks become warm and the same droplets stream down his face.

Dusk closed in the same manner as always. Benjamin putting to bed every animal in the farm. Rover standing, sitting, laying beside him. Utterly exhausted, he carried himself to his small room shared with John and laid upon the hard cot.

The following day and the following years passed very much in the same succession. Benjamin working hard, Rover being a faithful companion, and John coaching him through life, providing care and direction. At times, Benjamin listened. At times, he carved his own path.

One by one the faithful companions disappeared. Time ravaged each one, and every year pulled at them until they were no more. For Rover, he cried, as he dug a little rectangular hole next to the oak tree.

When John passed away, a single tear stroked his cheek, and then he resolved to think no more of it.

On his 18th birthday, the Spaniards let him go. The day he had long awaited, was at last, at his doorstep. Putting his few possessions in a kerchief, he wrapped it around a staff and set out, stick on shoulder. The Spaniards wished him well, and fine people as they were, handed him $50 for his life of work.

Benjamin strode into town. But store clerk after store clerk, and carpenter after carpenter, turned down his offering of work.

“Boy, you can’t even read or handle money! We can’t help you.”

“Son, we can’t afford to train a man who can’t handle fine wood..”

Discouraged, he finally settled for a job as a shepherd. It was long, arduous, tiring work, caring for 400 sheep from dawn til dusk. He had no companion to sit by his side. His earnings were slim. Benjamin grew lonely.

Months later he met a young lady named Bethesda. As courtship goes, Benjamin won her heart, and they married. She was kind, but ever so poor. Soon after, Benjamin Thomas Jr. was born.

Benjamin looked upon his son. He held him close and kissed his forehead. But even though he felt joy, a larger well of despair was swallowing him whole.

“Benjamin, we don’t have any milk, and the baby needs food and clothing..” his worried wife told him. Night after restless night, he formulated plans to feed his family.

He sat at a haystack one day, peering out over the sheep.
“Honor is in the work of the hands boy..”
How could that be, John? Here I am almost a peasant and now I need care for a young son. My dreams of owning a comfortable home are thing of the past. Now I have to strive each day just to eat. What possessed me to think I could ever? Now this woman and this boy will pillage everything I am, will take my spoils and lean against my hard work, and I will perish with nothing to show for it, and nothing accomplished. My son will be another slave boy, and Bethesda...

Benjamin removed the old, battered knife from his trouser pocket. He felt the grooves on its handle. He closed his eyes again.

Oh Rover. If only you could be my companion now. If only John would be alive and if only I could taste that cornbread once again. Yet here I am, in the gallows of life. This isn’t freedom- this is just the opposite. This is misery. This is voluntary servitude, and one without recompense. I’m chained to a life I chose and regret, one I could never run from. My hands aren’t tied but I’m no less a slave. How I wish I could return to the years of being a farm hand on the Spaniard’s ranch..

The comfort he had always felt as a boy-it was that elusive freedom he sought desperately now. The freedom that was in every hard day’s accomplishment, in every meal John laid before him, in the company of his few loved friends. It was in the wagging of Rover’s tail. It was the sleepy look he gave Benjamin. It was running through the open fields and feeling the wind blow through his hair.  It was the sun’s caress as he toiled in the field. It was the shade of his favorite oak tree. It was his fulfilling sleep. The freedom that whisked away the day he left the ranch. Gone forever- like Rover, like John.

Benjamin cried bitterly.

For the remainder of his life, it was the thought that occupied and preoccupied his mind, it was the idea that pained him, it was the realization that ruined him- and consumed him whole.